so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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