I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
