sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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