Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize