I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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