Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
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What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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