He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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