I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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