On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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