Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
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I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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