and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
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im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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