I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
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its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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