I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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