I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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