he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
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I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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