Soap is not a condiment
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize