would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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