oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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