Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize