My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
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She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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