that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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