a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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