I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
