The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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