Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize