I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize