I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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