At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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