I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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