I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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