I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
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Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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