Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize