i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
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the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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