I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
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And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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