Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
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this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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