so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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