woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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