I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
bring money and cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still dying that you shit outside
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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