a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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