I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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