I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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