My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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