Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
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Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
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Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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