I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
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I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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