YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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