What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
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I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
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I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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