Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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