What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
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I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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