He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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