Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
